I’d like to take a moment this week and apologize for my actions over the weekend. There were many news reports Sunday evening of my behaviour, I’d like to–in addition to apologizing–clear up some of these reports. First, let’s talk about the one there is cell phone footage of.
Is that, in fact, Andy Ross standing in an empty fountain in Downtown Johnson City, screaming “Big bucks, no whammies?” Wearing just a robe, while a boom box played “Tainted Love” on repeat? Yes, I’m sorry, that was me. I’m deeply sorry I reached that stage over the weekend. I may have been feeling a bit too festive. I wish I could say this was the first time an incident like this has occurred–sadly, I can not.
The biggest difference is that this time my “celebrations” were captured on video and shared across the internet. Yes, last time this happened it was a drained pool in my neighbor’s backyard, and I was in there wearing a pair of bermuda shorts, singing glam rock songs really loud. I know not what it is that makes me want to go to water containment areas when I am full of revelry, but that’s what happens.
Secondly, let’s talk about what DIDN’T happen over the weekend. I did not steal a power wheeler I found in a back yard and take it for a joyride on the interstate. That’s hooey. Nor did I ride a horse down Roane yelling aloud “Keep Christmas in your heart, Ebenezer!” Despite what you may have seen on Facebook or Twitter, these are all acts of fiction cooked up by fools on the internet.
Let this be my formal apology for what did happen. I want you, my dear readers, to know that I have sent letters similar to all business and institutions involved, and made monetary compensation where it was due. Here’s hoping the new year is a good one, and this isn’t a horrid omen of times to come. See you next week.