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Grimag

  • In This Issue
  • Featured
    • Cover Story
      • Virginia Creeper Fest: The Award-Winning Festival Returns
    • Events
      • Virginia Creeper Fest: The Award-Winning Festival Returns
      • Tee Off with Hope: Dawn of Hope Golf Classic
      • Tusculum Old Oak Festival: April 20-22
      • Journey Into The Unknown
      • Virginia Ground’s Band Camp Music Festival at Holston River Brewing
      • Jenny & The Hog Drovers at Carter Family Fold
    • Arts
      • ETSU to present Mr. Burns A Post-Electric Play
      • Award-Winning Murder Mystery, In The Heat Of The Night, Comes to Barter Theatre
      • The MIDTOWN MEN Perform at NPAC
      • Spoken Word Open Mic
      • May I Serve You? April 23 at 7p.m. with musical guest Aaron Jaxon
    • Music
      • Virginia Creeper Fest: The Award-Winning Festival Returns
      • Paul Edelman & Jangling Sparrows Back in Bristol
      • Tusculum Old Oak Festival: April 20-22
      • The MIDTOWN MEN Perform at NPAC
      • May I Serve You? April 23 at 7p.m. with musical guest Aaron Jaxon
      • Virginia Ground’s Band Camp Music Festival at Holston River Brewing
      • Jenny & The Hog Drovers at Carter Family Fold
      • Band Booking
    • Food & Drink
      • Virginia Creeper Fest: The Award-Winning Festival Returns
      • Tusculum Old Oak Festival: April 20-22
    • Free & Fun
      • Virginia Creeper Fest: The Award-Winning Festival Returns
      • Paul Edelman & Jangling Sparrows Back in Bristol
      • Tusculum Old Oak Festival: April 20-22
      • Journey Into The Unknown
      • Spoken Word Open Mic
      • How Does Your Garden Grow?
    • News
      • ETSU to present Mr. Burns A Post-Electric Play
      • Tee Off with Hope: Dawn of Hope Golf Classic
      • Award-Winning Murder Mystery, In The Heat Of The Night, Comes to Barter Theatre
      • How Does Your Garden Grow?
      • Pets of the Week
      • Things To Do
    • Classifieds
      • Pets of the Week
      • Things To Do
  • Columns
    • Appalachian Wanderers
      • Springtime Hiking Safety
    • *batteries not included
      • The Awful Truth
    • The Casual Word
      • Gargoyle
    • Kelly’s Place
      • English 101: Out With THE OLD, In With THE NEW?
    • Mister
      • Man Up: Redefining Masculinity
    • Mountain Movers
      • Don Raines: The Interview
    • Outdoor Life
      • Is a 9mm pistol good enough for defensive use?
    • Pop Life
      • A Quiet Place
    • Skies This Week
      • Skies This Week
    • Stargazer
      • Astronomy Day this Saturday: Time to Look Up!
    • The Nerd’s Corner
      • Nano Metalfigs
    • The Trivial Traveler
      • The Ultimate Limited Access Road
  • Businesses
    • Restaurants
    • Services
    • Salons
    • Museums
    • Schools / Colleges
    • Stores
    • Bars
    • Medical
    • Activities
    • Automotive
    • Theatre
    • Hotels
  • Spotlight
  • Full Issues
  • Nightlife
  • A Night Out

How to Recover from the Crud

I was sick most of last week. I wasn’t thrilled about it, but I was happy it would mean a few days of needed rest. The biggest problem was that this attack came the week of a big and busy weekend coming where I needed to be a fully operational Andy. The kind of weekend where I would be speaking to groups of people and not needing to be a snotty monster covered in the crud of a thousand deaths.

It hit me in the most unexpected way. Monday had been a really good day, but in the evening I started to go through a box of tissues. I woke the next day with the full throws of crud having overtaken my body. I was filled with panic since I had this big thing coming up on Saturday night. I thought “engage recovery mode quick!” The clear first step was to embrace one of nature’s most powerful healing aids, “The Price is Right.”

Do not scoff, dear reader. Once I laid on my couch and the let the power of Plinko wash over me, I began to feel better. I did other folk remedies and began eating soup like I had just won a jackpot of Campbell’s. I took this amish ointment and rubbed it all over my body, I covered myself with purell from head to toe. I phoned my friend and yelled “Everything is burning! That means it’s getting better, right? RIGHT!?”

On day two I began the tea therapy. I guzzled mug after mug of hot herbal tea waiting for it to kick the sick out of my body. As the days crept closer to Saturday, I began googling more and more “cure alls” as if I was a desperate man in a bad stage play. I went to the local drug store and bought every cough drop and throat lozenge they had.  I can now tell you the EXACT kind you need for whatever throat irritation you may be having at this moment. I have found that for this crud Fisherman’s Friend was best.

Friday arrives, I’m feeling about 65% like myself. I go into super emergency recovery mode to get me to at least 80% for the next night. I lay on the couch and watch Vincent Price films all day. That afternoon, I ventured outside for the first time and I was shocked to see this glowing orb in the sky. Amazingly, I woke on Saturday with a sense of about 79%. I took it, and I managed to make it through my crazy weekend without seeming like a corn husk of a man. Even if I maybe got a little carried away during the week. See you next week.

Mar 7, 2017Batteries Not Included
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By Andy Ross
aross@theloaferonline.com

Andy Ross is a humorist with a strong passion for classic movies and music. He collects records and board games, and is running out of room for both.

March 7, 2017 *batteries not included, Archived94
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Dedicated to local arts and entertainment around the Tri-Cities region since 1986.

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