Of course I thought it was absurd when the news went around a few weeks ago that your common household microwaved could be used as tool for spying. I’ve never known of a microwave to be so powerful as to have hidden communication tools inside it. Mine is mostly used for popcorn and heating up leftovers. But I noticed something very strange the other night. It was late at night and I was hungry. I raided for my freezer for nature’s own miracle food–the Hot Pocket.
The Hot Pocket is the king of late night eats, as when I’m tired and starving, I always like to reach for food that contains a filling the temperature of the sun. Yet I couldn’t help but notice something strange after my Hot Pocket had finished cooking. As I was taking the plate out of the microwave, I thought I heard a tiny handed voice saying “Sad!” Come the morning I assumed this must have been a late night starving illusion.
Now it was early in the morning and I was waiting for my coffee to finish brewing. Sometimes when I have my iPhone I’ll just shout out “Hey, Siri” and ask about my day. In my non-caffeinated state I didn’t realize that my iPhone was still in my bedroom. Not knowing this I shouted out “Hey, Siri!” and right as I realized I was a fool for not having my phone on me–my microwave answered.
This is when my personal paranoia began. If my microwave was now compromised, what other household appliances might be spying on me as well? Is my whirlpool tub actually scanning me while I try to soak in bubbly luxury? What of my toaster? Does my toaster transcribe my grandmother’s precious recipes back to some holding house in an undisclosed location?
After having spent an entire night not sleeping, fraught with worry about this, I soon found myself covering everything I own with Reynold’s Wrap. I also realized that my Amazon Echo may be the biggest problem in the home. I chucked my Alexa powered speaker out the window while yelling “Get out of here, you mole!” Granted, I may be getting a bit carried away and I have no proof of any of these things. But once you’ve gone to washing yourself in the backyard in a large, galvanized bucket, you’ll never go back to showers again. See you next week.