Hello, dear readers. This week I was going to have a rather amusing column for you about what happens when you get a friend request on Facebook from someone you appear to have gone to high school with, but have no memory of. Alas, that is not what this week’s column is about. Your humble writer has been stricken with the plague of allergies and sinus attack–for the second time this year. Instead of coming to you from my trusty old desk in my wood and leather encrusted office, I am writing to you from the confines of my bed, where I am surrounded by ricola wrappers, and crumpled up tissues.
I don’t know what is to blame for this second bout of crud. Was it my go-go, international Playboy lifestyle? Was it the lukewarm pork I ate for dinner the other night? Perhaps giving up my daily bath in purell is the culprit? I shall ring my personal physician Dr. Hugo Hackenbush for answers. He has a team on standby to cryogenically freeze me just in case this stuff turns South REAL quick. This all part of the plan “Keep Andy Around” that I finance with my holdings I make from the reruns of “That’s My Leprosy” I starred in.
Friends have said they are willing to come and visit me, but I’m now so paranoid about germs I have forbidden them from seeing me. I’m too weak anyway. I’m not actually typing this, I’m using a morse code system that is translated into Siri which is causing the words to appear. It’s not perfect, but so far it’s been mostly error free taco bell is only 2.3 miles away, do you want me to navigate?
Don’t worry about me, dear readers. This much needed rest with recharge my system and I’ll be back to my usual, unstoppable self before too long. I have so many things coming up, I can’t afford to be sick anyway. There’s my lecture tour “The Grimace Made Me Sad: How To Deal With Fast Food Mascot Terror” that has sold out in Waffle House parking lots all over this great nation of ours. My novel about a scrappy young newspaper reporter named Crunch Mahoney called “Ink and Tears on the Train Tracks” comes out soon, as does my first ever album “Come Sabotage With Me: Andy Ross Croons The Beastie Boys Songbook.”
This is why I must power through. I’m drinking gallons of green tea, and eating nothing but warm broth with NyQuil chasers. Hopefully I should be back to my usual self before too long. I can’t imagine all this medication having too much of an ill effect on me. By the way, have you seen the purple elephant in the bathroom? See you next week.