I noticed recently a post on facebook, one of those recipe shares that goes around, for a “delightful recipe for cauliflower tacos!”
I’ve seen this trend, fad, whatever take–root–for a while now. I now call foul that we are using cauliflower as a substitute for damn near everything. People online have extolled the virtues of using cauliflower–which I rather dislike anyway–as a low carb option for one’s diet. Photos of people smiling alongside their cauliflower pizza crusts like they’re newborn babies and they just performed magic.
“We just made this wonderful LOW CARB pizza crust with cauliflower! I’m so happy, KNEEL BEFORE YOUR NEW CULINARY GOD!” I’ve seen recipes for cauliflower tortillas, pizza crust, mashed potatoes, hash browns, turkey, big macs, jumper cables, and seamless caulking gunk! First off, leave my hash browns alone! That is a sacred bond and trust between myself and waffle house (and if I see someone share a recipe for cauliflower waffles I swear I’ll throw myself into a thresher).
It seems in our quest to lose weight while still eating what we want to eat, we’ve gone off the radar and into a world where we feel a need to switch out everything with what is healthy just to trick ourselves into the diet. I’ve struggled with weight all my life, and the times I’ve been working on dropping pounds I just found healthy recipes that used foods I liked, I didn’t throw the baby out with the bath water. I’m not gonna throw out my Lilly White Flour and replace it with a garden just because some nut saw a Buzzfeed post about it.
“But, Andy! Look at all these great things we can do and make your pizza low carb!” Look, keep your garden brains that look like discarded muppets away from my pizza. If I’m going to eat a pizza, I’m gonna eat a pizza. I don’t want to eat something that is pizza-esq. Unless it’s on a bagel, for as we all know when pizza is on a bagel, you can have pizza anytime. If we don’t get a grip on this cauli-demic next thing you know it’s going to get carried away to the far fringe extreme.
“Tired of having a chunky pet around? Try this new cauliflower cat food! Give your beloved tabby even more reasons to plot your demise!” How about “cauliflower Cadbury Cream Eggs?! They taste like a backwards horse, but they’re low-carb!” Maybe I should write one of those chic dystopian sci-fi novels where a bunch of people in robes sit around in a basement and grate cauliflower endlessly. Those things sell like wild these days and I’m all about a cash in. I’ll use a pretentious name like Echalrd Picarddio as my pseudonym.
I have no desire to try any of these cauliflower concoctions, and God help you if you show up to my house with cauliflower pizza. Low carb eating is all well and good, but stop trying to transform everything into cauliflower, unless you’re a farmer and you’re desperate to unload your back load of the stuff. In that case, maybe see if anyone has done cauliflower breading for frying stuff? See you next week.