The tree is up, the outside is decorated, and I’ve been chugging Egg Nog since Cyber Monday. It’s Christmas, y’all. If you were smart perhaps you spent the summer months stocking up on all your gifts for your various family and co-dependents.
If you’re like my family, there’s that one closet, usually in the guest bedroom, where in the deep far back corner there’s a cache of gift wrap, some from last year’s clearance sales, the rest dating as far back as 1998.
My mother is a master at gift wrapping, she can make Christmas and Birthday gifts look like something out of a magazine. The lines are perfect, there’s no overhang, it’s crisp and clean. I didn’t inherit this gift from my mother. When I go to wrap a present the end result looks like something that has passed through the digestive track of a bull elephant. I have no grace, or capacity to properly measure the amount of paper needed to wrap anything.
Is it a small gift? Like a box that a diamond necklace would be in? I use the amount of paper you’d normally use to wrap up a video game system. Oh, and something the size of a video game system? I use the entire roll. Giant chunky balls of paper, miles and miles of ribbon, and enough tape that the scotch company should personally send me a thank you note. My gifts are always easy to spot at the annual family gathering. A beautiful tree full of perfect looking gifts, then there’s their deformed cousins sitting off to the side.
When one cousin was dating their now wife, on the first Christmas she spent with her future family, she spotted me bringing my gifts in and rushed over with a look of concern on her face and said “Oh, no! What happened!?” This wasn’t encouraging as that was also the year I took my time to try to make my gift wrapping better. I’ve even had my mother go over gift wrapping with me step by step, and I still magically manage to make mangled messes of thoughtful gifts.
But it’s the thought that counts, right? Not you family and friends judging you for your lack of basic motor skills. Everyone in your family saying behind your back “Oh, you can tell how much care Andy puts into a gift by how many wrinkles and creases are in the paper.” No, that doesn’t matter at all. Maybe I should switch to gift bags? But the problem with gift bags is that I can’t prank my friends and loved ones by wrapping up all their gifts in “Paw Patrol” paper.
This year I may just have those overly enthusiastic gift wrap squad members the department stores have to wrap gifts for you do all my wrapping for me. Maybe I can hire them out to do my non in-store purchases? Is that legal? Will I get caught by channel 11 in a elicit, late night, parking lot shady gift wrap session? Stay tuned to find out. I mean, NO! I would never do anything like that! At. All. See you next week.