Happy New Year! 2019 is upon up us and if you’re anything like me, you too are having massive anxiety over dealing with the fact that somehow 1999 was 20 years ago. But with the coming of another year comes once more a set of resolutions to mostly not keep. This week, I’d like to present a list of resolutions I plan to keep in 2019, followed by the odds as to when I will break/give up on these.
Loose Weight (odds are good this may actually happen, but odds are also good I’ll be using the pizza tracker on my Dominos app like it’s Netflix).
Stop watching so many old episodes of “Press Your Luck” on YouTube (Will immediately break this as soon as I finish writing this).
Try Tinder Again (HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!).
Apply for a grant to get funding for my study into convincing McDonald’s to bring back The McDLT (My one true goal in life, the cold side stays cold, the hot side stays hot. Why did we reject this as a people?).
Write an angry editorial to the fake news media asking why after 25 years we still don’t know Where In The World Carmen Sandiego Is (Once I get high enough on NyQuil).
Vow to not get angry over every single political story I see on the news ( *Angry Andy Intensifies*).
Vow to take better care of my body, eat right, and get more exercise (Plans to celebrate birthday with a sackful of Krystals, driving down the interstate at midnight, blasting Molly Hatchet).
Promise to go caroling with friends, but actually sing the words to “Jingle Bells” and not replace them with the lyrics to “Rusty Chevrolet” (possible, but I do love that parody).
I vow to stop randomly sending photos of Alex Trebek to all my friends and family (Most likely will switch things up this year and go with photos of Pat Sajack).
I promise to let more people into my life, and not be so aloof (Already ordered a bunch of quikrete to build that emotional wall HIGH!)
This is my list. It’s a short, mostly practical list—I think. Naturally the ones who benefit most at this time of the year from resolutions are all the gyms and health clubs that will see a spike in membership this month. But no matter what your resolutions are, I hope that for us all 2019 will be a year of hope, joy, and peace.
This is the start of my 13th year with The Loafer—thank you to all who have supported us and my column over all these years. I wish to you and yours a Most Happy New Year. See you next week.