I recently went on a date with a guy in Charlotte. He was 39, very attractive, worked in finance for Wells Fargo and had a British accent, so immediately I wondered what was wrong with him. Typically those kinds of credentials don’t keep you on the single market for very long unless there is something seriously off bubbling just under the surface. We did dinner one night, then grabbed a quick coffee the next morning at a French bistro before I left town to come home. We’ve been chatting on the phone about once a day and texting on a semi-regular basis and so far no bright red flags. Then last night he committed one of my cardinal dating sins and that was the end of that. I received a text in response to a G-rated picture I had sent of me being lazy in bed that read “Do you like to be the big spoon or the little spoon?” Any romantic chemistry or sexual attraction I had toward this guy was gone in an instant. After several minutes I simply replied, “I don’t cuddle, and as the woman in the relationship, there should never be a time that I play big spoon.” I have no more plans to pursue this relationship. This story may make me seem cold and callous but allow me to explain.
This type of thing is not an isolated incident. In dating, I keep meeting guys both online and in the wild and their new go-to pickup is something along these liines. It’s like someone told them “hey, girls LOVE affection. So the quickest way to get in their pants is to immediately try and sound sensitive by saying things about cuddling and spooning,” and for me this cannot be a bigger turn-off. I literally met a guy on the street outside a club in Wilmington. He got my number and added me on SnapChat and I can’t tell you how many times this dude has messaged me a picture of himself in bed, 5 ½ hours away, with a caption that says, “come cuddle me.” It’s beyond silly and transparent.
There are several reasons why this rubs me the wrong way. One- it makes you seem completely inauthentic and like a liar from the get-go. We all know you boys aren’t interested in just holding hands and canoodling during Netflix time. I would honestly have more respect for a guy who just laid it all out there than someone who uses these false pretenses as date bait. Second- as I have expressed before, I am very big on gender roles within a relationship. I don’t care if you’re straight, gay, poly, bi, questioning or confused, EVERYONE has a role to play and someone must be hunter and the other person has to be gatherer. I am a gatherer within my relationships, so it is extremely unattractive to me for a man to display this type of submissive behavior. If you want to cuddle, I don’t want you to ask about it first. I want you to have the confidence to ask me out and slide your arm around me without hesitation. I want a man to make me feel protected, not ask me to be his “big spoon” on a cold winter night. As great as it is to see men becoming more sensitive to women’s wants and needs, I feel like we’re losing some of the “manliness” and edginess that previous generations possessed. Is it not possible for a man to finally care as much about my sexual satisfaction as his own AND still be the one who kills the spider in the shower? We live in a world now where, thanks to the internet, both men and women openly discusses their feelings, wear skinny jeans and basically everyone has a therapist, and while this is all well and good, I’m just trying to find a guy who can change the oil in my car or mount a TV.
In my opinion, cuddling is one of the most intimate acts, far more intimate than even sex itself and I’ve probably only done it with 3 people. I am not a touchy-feely person. I don’t hug my friends, my parents and I don’t have a lot of physical interaction, so I have to be very much in love with someone to do that sort of thing. The thought of laying in a bed wrapped up in the arms and legs of someone I’ve just met makes my skin crawl. And that’s not to say I don’t like to be touched. There is quite the difference between brushing my hair out of my eyes while we’re talking or holding my hand as opposed to laying in bed watching a movie and sweating all over each other. I just feel like these kinds of interaction should happen more organically and without a verbal prompting from some bozo who just wants to get laid.
With all this being said, guys, if you have done this sort of thing, please stop it immediately. No girl is turned on by being asked to be a spoon, no matter what size. If you think it is going to get you in the sack quicker, I can assure you it will not. In fact, it will probably get you ghosted quicker than anything because you sound lame. Maybe instead, try employing a few more alpha tactics. Open the car door for her, ask her out and plan the date from start to finish so all she has to do is show up, or maybe even order for her at dinner, after consulting with her about what she would like of course. I am not implying that you club a gal over the head and drag her back to your cave to have your way with her, but a little dominance can go a long way. Every girl wants to feel protected by her partner, and I can’t depend on Mr. Little Spoon to be the guy who fights off an intruder in the middle of the night.
Happy dating and I wish you all more forking and less spooning in the coming week!