It’s the day after the three day weekend. So it’s a Tuesday, that not only feels like a Monday, but the Mondayest Monday. As such I’ve been working on getting things done I need to get done, and house chores that need to be tackled, specifically a massive pile of laundry that was well on the way to becoming sentient that had been in the corner of my bedroom. I dragged the pile into the laundry room, put in a load, then went about getting other things done around the house.
As I did other things around the home I kept waiting to hear the washing machine sing its song, the one it does when it goes into a spin cycle and drops a beat. CHRONK-CHRONK-CHRONK-CHORNK-CHORNK it goes as it speeds up to a fast, soundless speed. Upon hearing this I returned to mopping the bathroom floor. As I was going from the master bath to the guest bathroom—across the house—is when I heard the sound. It was an odd sound, a sort of guttural low-rumble. It seemed to have a consistent pitch and reverberate throughout the house.
It sounded as if it could have been one of two things. One, someone had broken into my home and was watching “Jurassic Park” in my home theater, with the sound of the subwoofer shaking all around me. Two, Godzilla is real, standing outside my home, and waiting to crush me with one step. Armed with the mop to take down whatever baddies might be in my house (Hey, it worked in UHF), I began a slow creep around my home to see what was up.
Turning the corner I realized the sound was coming from the laundry room. I walked in and found my washer was spinning as normal, only making this new sound I had never heard it do before. The sound stopped as the drum spun to stop with a BEEEVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVFFFFFFF sound. I thought this must just be a new sound due to the balance of the load shifting to a side it never had been on before. But then, it began another spin cycle, one that caused the whole machine to shake, and inch forward ever so. Corner to corner.
“Is the laundry machine coming after me?” I thought to myself as it inched closer and closer. Laundry machines shifting around a little is nothing new, but this thing was downright doing a crawl in my direction. “OK, there’s been no reported incidents of washing machines turning rogue and killing their owners,” I thought, but then I also realized that how could there be anyone to report that if they were all dead. “Also, I don’t think Robert Stack ever talked about this on Unsolved Mysteries.” I thought as well.
Eventually, the machine stopped as the entire wash cycle came to a close. I approached the washer and looked, and as far as I could tell—as those front loader models like mine seem less likely to have this happen—everything was off-balance in a way I had never seen it before. It was as if most of my laundry was floating up around the top of the drum, not the bottom or the side.
Still, it was impressed how far the darn thing managed to scoot across the laundry room floor. I mean, I thought maybe I should start a YouTube channel of competitive washing machine races? People watch worse on there. I’m just glad I don’t have to worry about my washing machine uprising against me in the middle of the night—for now. See you next week.