“Even someone who is pure at heart, and says their prayers at night, can turn into an Autumn freak when the pumpkin spice blooms and the moon is full and bright.” — Aristotle, probably.
I was driving home the other night, it was a little after eight-thirty at night. It was one of those awfully hot days that was so oppressive it made you feel that all hope was gone. Which made it all the more pleasant that at night the air was significantly cooler as the sun was setting, and driving with all the windows down in the car was downright revitalizing. As the wind blew in and swept all around me is when I first noticed it. That little note of crispness in the air. A freshness, a hint that Fall was coming.
As I drove home with this air surrounded me and filling my lungs, I could feel a change taking place. When I left my house that afternoon I was wearing shorts, a t-shirt, and a pair of Chuck Taylor low tops. Yet, upon arriving home my clothes were entirely different. I was wearing jeans, duck boots, and a heavy, cable knit sweater. I kicked open the door from the garage to my home and took a deep breath, startling my non-existent wife Sheila, and exclaimed “Break out the pumpkins! There’s not a moment to lose!”
Sheila looked at me with a concerned look on her face. “What on earth are you going on about?” she said. I didn’t answer her, instead, I just went right into decorating the house we share with our common law child Lemuel with Fall decor. I put pumpkins and scarecrows everywhere, broke out every Apple Cider scented candle we owned. I didn’t remember any of this, in fact, I must have blacked out at some point as when I woke the next morning, I was in the kitchen. My clothes had returned to the shorts and shirt I had on the night before, and I was covered in traces of powdered cinnamon, clove, and allspice.
I woke confused, questioning what had happened since my house looked like a Hobby Lobby now. Shelia had looked up what occurred the night before and found a listing for it on Doctor Net, the handy website that tells you how you’re sick. “You have a rare condition” Shelia said solemnly, “It’s called ‘Fallantrophy,’ it’s when that first crisp air that occurs between the end of Summer and the start of Fall takes over of your immune system for a few weeks, causing you to become the Fall obsessed monster you were last night. There is no cure.”
According to Doctor Net, though there is no cure, the Fallantrophy should pass after a week or two. That meant taking special precautions for the next several days. I had to make sure I got home before the sun had set and the moon was high. I was locked in a room in the attic that had an old CRT style TV/VCR combo, with tapes of “Fall Tours of Vermont” and gallons of Apple Cider. It worked and save me, and my family, from the terrors of Fallantrophy. Except…
One night I didn’t make it back home in time. Traffic had been bad, work ran late, and I was starving so I ran into a fast food joint and ordered a burger. I sat by a window seat trying to eat as quickly as I could, there was still some daylight. But as my mind thought about other things, I looked down and noticed I was wearing…duck boots. I looked out the window and the moon was high. Soon I fell to the floor, my Oingo Boingo tee changing once again into a cable knit sweater.
The transformation complete, I crashed through the window and ran through the night air into the nearest Starbucks. I crashed through the crowd of people in line and jumped behind the counter. I found a jug of their pumpkin spice syrup and began to chug it. This time after blacking out, I woke up in the hospital. It was a shameful moment, but the doctor informed me I had only one more night to go until the Fallantrophy would be out of my system. They were keeping me for observation.
I feel like my old self now, and though I am ready for the fall, I’m not drinking or eating anything pumpkin spice just to be safe. I still get these little twitches. See you next week.