You may have seen recently the story of a brilliant fellow in New Zealand who knew he was getting fired and hired a clown to follow him to the meeting, and make balloon animals while he was being fired. This may be one of the most brilliant things I’ve ever heard of, and frankly, I love it so much. With this in mind, I’d like to offer my services to those of you locally who also may think you’re about to be fired. Say hello to the latest innovation from the Andyland Laboratory, Andy Ross: Emotional Support Chaos Engine.
The workplace in NZ told the gentlemen he could bring a “support person” with them to the meeting, and if that doesn’t clearly say “We’re firing you” then I’ll eat my hat! So, friends of The Loafer, citizens of the tri-cities, I will gladly do the same for you should you also be told yo have a meeting coming up where you can bring a “support person.” For just a small fee, I will show up to your soon to be former place of employment, and point out what a dump it is and how foolish they are for letting you go.
You will refer to me as “Chad.” In my persona as “Chad”, I will be something of a villain from a 1980s movie who has perfect hair and stole your girl. I’ll walk into the office, overturn a small fern or something and say “Woah, sorry brah. I didn’t see that there.” During the meeting, I will comment on what a dump the place is, how terrible the coffee is, and say to them “You’re letting Johnny Cool go? What kind of workplace is this? You don’t want his killer cool style all over whatever it is you make/sell here at Business Work??”
This will make them all realize what a mistake they are making, and though they may not change their decision to fire you, the sting of my insults will make this day linger long in their brains. During the meeting, I will, with broad gestures, loudly talk out my phone and leave them a one-star yelp and google review with just three words: “This place bites.” Now clearly this may annoy and upset the boss of this organization, to which I will look at them and say “I just bought this place with money from my Apple Stock, does that blow your mind?” while miming that mind-blowing motion that tracks so well with the millennials these days.
Now if all this sounds too good to be true, it’s not! We have very affordable rates for this service that you can learn about by contacting your local Andyland Ombudsman. We do this for you, here at Andyland Labs, Inc. (A division of Andyland, USA Ltd.), and we have many more exciting workplace disruptors coming down the pike from our research and development team. A random lunch catered by Long John Silvers to which everyone will go “Holy cats, they’re still around!?” We can make it happen!
Not only does Andyland provide high-quality content for publications, but we also have the public’s best interests at heart. We’re a small, but proud group, dedicated to making your life better every day through the use of powerful things we call “little absurdities.” Well, I gotta go now, there’s more business work to do in the lab here. I hope I can help you out by confusing the heck out of your boss soon! See you next week.