Hello friends and loved ones! A very Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to you all. Whatever it is that you celebrate at this time of the year, I hope you have as fine a celebration as possible, while being safe and smart. This week, I’m doing something a bit different. I’d like to share with you a column I wrote eight years ago. Please enjoy again, or for the first time, this—slightly revised—version of “The Diary of The Twelves Days of Christmas.”
December 25
Dear Diary,
Here we are, Christmas day! My wife and I have had a wonderful Christmas! We had a marvelous meal and enjoyed spending time with family and friends. However, we’re doing something different this year. We’re going to roll our gifts out over the 12 days of Christmas. Should be exciting, and perhaps let that Christmas spirit last a little longer. Today I was given a beautiful pear tree, with a partridge on the top of it. The cat is having a fit over the bird, and I’m trying to figure out where in the yard to put the tree.
December 26
Dear Diary,
Today my wife gave me two turtle doves, they’re getting along just fine with the partridge. I didn’t really ever think I’d have any birds in my lifetime, but now I have three. They’re pretty, and they sing well. The cat drools when he walks by them. We’re keeping them as far away from him as possible, I have to run to PetSmart to buy bird feed.
December 27
Dear Diary,
OK, things are taking an odd turn, more birds! Today it was three French hens—though I appreciate the number thing she has going for her, I don’t know what to do with French hens. Why the French ones? What was wrong with American ones? Will they lay eggs? I mean, it would be nice to have eggs on demand. Still, all these fowl are starting to be a bit foul (I’m hilarious, dairy. Hilarious).
December 28
Dear Diary,
Four colly birds! What the hell is up with all the damn birds? Did someone tell my wife I wanted to open up an aviary? Because whoever did is DEAD to me! I am now the owner of ten birds. The checkout people at PetSmart all know me by name at this point. Today I’m going to pick up more feed, and move the birds into a shack I’ve built in the back. Wish me luck, diary.
December 29
Dear Diary,
Finally! NO MORE BIRDS! Instead today I was given Five Golden Rings. I have no idea what I’m going to do with five golden rings, I’m just glad it wasn’t more birds.
December 30
Dear Diary,
I spoke too soon. Six Geese. Where did she find all of these things!? Was QVC having a fire sale on birds or something? I really wish she was a bit more practical in her gifting. It’s not that I dislike having these birds around, they’re lovely. The thing is, I’m just starting to feel a little like Tippi Hedren. I buy my wife jewelry, and she keeps on giving me the bird.
December 31
Dear Diary,
Happy New Year’s Eve! We’re going out to a friend’s tonight for a party, I’m looking forward to it. As you could guess, today it was yet more birds. Seven Swans, who have all taken up residency in our pool. They just swim, peck, eat, swim, peck, eat. PetSmart now sells food to me by the gross. We’ve locked the cat down in the basement, he has that same gleam in his eyes that I do when I look at the Waffle House menu.
January 1
Dear Diary,
Happy New Year! I’m looking forward to a fresh start for a prosperous new year. We had a great time last night at the party, I fully admit that I overdid it. So much so, that I thought I was hallucinating this morning when I looked out on the lawn and saw eight young ladies milking cows. It was very real, and today’s gift. I’m starting to think this whole “12 days of Christmas” thing was a horrible idea.
January 2
Dear Diary,
My life is becoming a circus. This ever-growing menagerie now has nine ladies dancing. Birds chirp, maids milk, and now women are dancing all over the house. I’m starting to feel like a club owner. As if I found a barn somewhere full of animals and just said “Dance around it all.” If I hear “Cotton Eye Joe” one more time I’m going to scream for 24 hours straight.
January 3
Dear Diary,
I think today’s gift was more for my wife than it was for me—actually I think this whole gift thing is just her attempt to Gaslight me. Today it was nine lords a-leaping. Men dancing this time. You can’t move anywhere on my property without running into a man or a woman, wearing a leotard, jumping around as if their life depended on it. I think I’ve fallen into my own personal Circ Du Soleil Hell.
January 4
Dear Diary,
Eleven Pipers. That will not. Stop. Piping. You know how much I hate Renascence fairs? Well, guess what? I’m now living in the middle of one. They won’t even stop at night! Who did I marry, what happened to that gal? She loved board games and Apple products, not slow torturing her spouse! I think what’s far scarier, is that there was a place she could order all of this from. Do you just search for “Lords A-Leaping” on Amazon? Does that get Prime shipping?
January 5
Dear Diary,
Today is the final day, praise Jesus! I woke up this morning to what I thought was the sound of rifles being fired to finally put me out of my misery but instead was my last present. Twelve drummers. Just like the pipers of yesterday, they never stop drumming. They even followed me all the way down to the police station. Did I fail to mention that I was brought in for questioning this morning? It seems that having nine young ladies milking cows on your front lawn is a borderline violation of labor laws.
PETA has set up a protest outside my house as well, they are upset with the number of caged critters on my land. I was even on the news last night! To top it all off, this morning in my mail, I found a sternly worded letter from Oprah. Next year, I am not exchanging gifts with my wife. I’m just gonna get her a McDonald’s gift card…it’ll be all I can afford after the legal bills.
See you next week.
