• Home
  • Advertise
  • Circulation
  • About Us
  • FAQ
  • Contact Us

The Loafer Online

  • In This Issue
  • Featured
    • Cover Story
      • Sycamore Springs
    • Events
      • Local Photographer Jeffrey Stoner April Exhibition at CSFA
      • ETSU’s 2021 Civility Week encourages participants to ‘Be the Light’
      • 2021 Spring Roan Mountain Naturalists Rally: Saturday, April 24, 2021 
      • BELOVED TRADITION OF THE “5X10 PLAYS” RETURNS TO TUSCULUM FOR SEVEN SHOWS IN ANNIE HOGAN BYRD
      • Bullington Gardens Holds Spring Plant Sale Online
      • ETSU to present virtual ‘radio style’ performance of scenes from ‘King Lear’
      • Tipton-Haynes State Historic Site Presents SUMMERS PAST HISTORY PROGRAM
      • MECC Foundation to Host Auto World – MECC Golf Classic
      • Our Living Past
      • BFA Exhibitions on display at the Reece Museum
    • Arts
      • Local Photographer Jeffrey Stoner April Exhibition at CSFA
      • BELOVED TRADITION OF THE “5X10 PLAYS” RETURNS TO TUSCULUM FOR SEVEN SHOWS IN ANNIE HOGAN BYRD
      • With Her Upbeat New Single, BETH SNAPP Finds Promise After the Pandemic
      • ETSU to present virtual ‘radio style’ performance of scenes from ‘King Lear’
      • Our Living Past
      • BFA Exhibitions on display at the Reece Museum
    • Music
      • With Her Upbeat New Single, BETH SNAPP Finds Promise After the Pandemic
      • Band Booking
    • News
      • ETSU Gatton College of Pharmacy offering free webinars for ESL Support Program
      • Birthplace of Country Music Ready for Spring with Increased Museum Visitation, Festival Planning, and New Events
      • Women in Power – Ashley Grindstaff
      • Women in Power – Angela Cameron, DDS
      • Women in Power – Kim Santucci
      • Johnson City Parks and Recreation announces 2021 summer camps
      • Abingdon, VA: Southwest Virginia’s Hub for World-Class Outdoor Adventure
    • Business
      • The Loafer Live
      • Davis Marina
      • Award Winning Digital Video Services
      • True Foundation Property Group
      • FairyTails Grooming & Daycare
  • Columns
    • *batteries not included
    • Pop Life
    • Tea Time with Appalachian Barbie
    • Getting Schooled
  • Archives
    • Archived Articles By Month
  • Progress Businesses
    • Automotive
    • Event Venue
    • Home Services
    • Marketing
    • Medical
    • Restaurants
    • Schools / Colleges
    • Services
    • Stores
    • Theatre
    • Travel
  • Spotlight
  • Full Issues

The Email That Never Ends

It annoys me the amount of spam that likes to show up in my email. It’s the usual crap. Nothing that you haven’t seen before. Some are flyers from actual companies, the others want me to click on them but are disguised as well as three cats in a trench coat standing on each other’s shoulders. For a couple of months, there was one that kept showing up nearly every day.

“You’ve been selected!” was the subject line. I never click on spam email, I just go off of what the little mini-description in the side part of my mail program shows me. “You’ve been selected for a place of marking in the 2021…” is all I could see. I assumed it was something wanting me to pay some kind of a printer’s fee for some bull book that was a sort of “who’s who” thing that no one would really be impressed by, yet I would bring up on every single date I would go on henceforth.

Me: “Do you know I was selected to be in the 2021 who’s who among northeast Tennessee writers?” Her: “That’s cute, do you know how to talk about anything related to 1970s game shows?” My eyes lit up, I leaned in close to her and whispered “Which year of Match Game do you wanna talk about?” The turgid passion between the both of us roared to tepid, our eyes locked, and… Wait. What was I talking about? Oh, yeah! The email. Anyways.

I sent the email straight to trash and went on with my day, which consisted mostly of playing Animal Crossing, because, pandemic. But the folks behind these spam emails are a persistent bunch. The emails start coming and they don’t stop coming. Every day, sometimes twice a day, the same email would show up. “You’ve been selected!” morning and night. After a while, as this week on for weeks, I would notice the little preview of the body of the email would change.

It would be the who’s who thing, or it would be some sort of noted professionals list, and even one time it suggested I had been chosen as one of the “top realtors in your region!” That one was odd, as though I spent a lot of free time browsing the Zillow app, I have never been a realtor. Just like before, I’d see the mail, move to trash, delete, go on with my day. I never thought anything more of it, until one day when I went to the grocery store.

I was there buying the essentials, potted meat, and beans, the adventurer’s diet. After paying for my parcels I returned to my car where I noticed a piece of paper had been stuck underneath the driver’s side windshield. It was a piece of folded white paper. Written on the paper, in red crayon of all things, was “You’ve been selected.” Shook, I looked around, I didn’t see anyone who appeared to be observing me or my vehicle. I got in and went back home.

The first thing I noticed in the days since that message had been left on my car was that the emails had stopped. Was this all an odd, elaborate prank my friends had put together? Who was the benefit of it? I hadn’t seen a single “You’ve been selected” email or message since that note. But it was to be a short reprise from the “you’ve been selected” campaign. It was about to ramp up.

A letter arrived one day, in a normal-looking envelope, I opened it up and it read “Mr. Ross, we’ve been trying to reach you” and I thought “if this is about an extended car warranty, I’m gonna hit the ceiling.” But the letter went on, “since you’ve ignored our emails, we had to reach out by this method.” The letter told me that I was the only one who could help with the conflict between the Rylan Star League and the Ko-Dan Empire. How I was the only video game wiz who could help them.

The letter was describing the plot of the movie “The Last Starfighter,” only this time I was told the conflict was based on the ratings of Animal Crossing islands, not warfare. At this point I knew this must be a prank from a friend, I called the one friend I suspected and he roared with laughter. It was him and his brilliant, computer programmer wife who was the one who arranged the e-mails to be sent. We had a good laugh about it, but now I’m really paranoid every time I check my email or play Animal Crossing.

What if all those messages we kept getting about our extended warranties are actually secret recruitments for some kind of Space NASCAR? Will the newly landed Mars rover find something that looks an awful lot like the Bristol Motor Speedway? Time will tell, and maybe this shows that the pandemic has caused me to stay inside for far, far too long. See you next week.

Mar 9, 2021Batteries Not Included
Share this:
Happy Birthday Dr. Seuss!!Penguin Bloom
You Might Also Like
 
Waste Basket
 
State Natural Areas Celebration Week
Batteries Not Included
Batteries Not Included

By Andy Ross

Andy Ross is a humorist with a strong passion for classic movies and music. He collects records and board games, and is running out of room for both.

1 month ago *batteries not included, Archives, Columns
Spotlight

Check back soon for updates.

Sycamore Springs
BFA Exhibitions on display at the Reece Museum
Our Living Past
About

Dedicated to local arts and entertainment around the Tri-Cities region since 1986.

Recent Posts
Sycamore Springs
BFA Exhibitions on display at the Reece Museum
Our Living Past
Archives

Sign Up to receive area news, events, and more via our e-newsletter.

2018 © The Loafer Online | Published by Pink Sky Media Group

All advertisements are accepted and published by the publisher upon the representation that the agency and/or advertiser is authorized to publish the entire contents and subject matter thereof. The agency and/or advertiser will indemnify and save the publisher harmless from any loss of expense resulting from claims or suits based upon contents of any advertisement, including claims or suits for defamation, libel, right of privacy, plagiarism, and copyright infringement.

This site is protected by reCAPTCHA and the Google Privacy Policy and Terms of Service apply.