There’s a lot of random things burned into the deep recesses of my mind. A bunch of it stems from watching too much TV as a kid. There was a time in the mid-’90s when I was fascinated by infomercials. Those half-hour ads for various wonder products that once were used to fill many a cable station’s Sunday programming. They all seemed to be produced by the same production company and featured some dude in a sweater and a British guy in a bow tie.
One particular ad that is forever stuck is for some car cleaning product? Car wax? Car varnish? I don’t recall the name of the product, I don’t recall what exactly it did, but what is burned into my brain is the way the ad went on and on about how it was the only thing that could save your car from “the pits.” What’s “the pits,” you ask? Before I tell you I want to make one thing perfectly clear. I am not a “car guy” nor am I an auto expert. So I don’t know how much validity there was/is to “the pits.”
“The Pits” are, according to the ad, a dreadful and horrible thing that happens to your car when it rains. Beads of water that stay on your car’s hood, as they evaporate, form little dots that opens up a hole in your car’s finish to let the sun in and destroy the hard coating. Leaving your hood feeling “pitted.” Hence, “The Pits,” the greatest menace to ever face our modern-day automotive world. They even had some man on the street interview, a guy in a polo shirt, and asked him “what do you do to your car after it rains?” The gentleman responded with “I go out and dry it off with a towel because of the pits.”
The product, that they were advertising—it was a liquid paste thing? I think?—seems to be all that can save your car from “The Pits.” The man they talked to on the street then seemed to be relieved when they informed him that he would no longer need to dash out to his car after it rains or ever lose another hour of sleep due to thinking about “The Pits.” The magical finish paste thing would solve this problem for good. It could be yours for only $24.95, but if you act now you’ll get another bottle for only an additional $10!
Now, I have some questions about “The Pits.” 1: Is this a real thing? 2: If so, why wasn’t it solved by the mid-1990s? 3: Have we solved it now? Surely we have solved it now? I also can’t help but wonder if our failure to fix the automotive pits that are ravaging all of our vehicles is the true fall of society, not the death of a gorilla in a zoo in 2016. I think I may flex into fear of “The Pits” being my new post-pandemic anxiety terror.
“So Andy, how have things been since you’ve begun to be reintegrated into society?” They’ll ask. I’ll slam my hands down on the table of the crowded Arby’s and say “I put my hands all over your car and it’s covered in pits! The pits are here! Your car can not be saved from the pits! The miracle paste is no more!” Then I’ll run away screaming with a bag full of big beef and cheddar sandwiches and go off to live a feral life in the woods.
“They say Andy Ross hasn’t been seen since that very day. Some say a kindly Arby’s manager leaves him a sack full of big beef and cheddars near the campsite by the racetrack.” This will become my legend, a man who was driven to madness by our refusal to address the real issues plaguing society, car pitting. I’m going to get a head start on this flex by touching every car in the neighborhood. See you next week.